just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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