My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
