I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
