someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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