dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
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There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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