my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
