mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
