It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
