so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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