so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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