Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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