Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
