I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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