I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
