im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
