I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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