I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
