He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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