i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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