it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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