Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
