my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
