Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize