Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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