Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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