How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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