the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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