She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
