just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
