I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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