i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
