my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My liver just had a heart attack.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
