I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
