i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
