Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just had sex on a roof
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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