i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
