yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
