The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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