i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
