Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
