i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
