Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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