So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I met the friendliest cop last night
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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