I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
