He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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