I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
