my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
