when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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