My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
