i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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