Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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