I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
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you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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