im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
