Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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