i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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