My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
