My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
