I have demons in me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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